Lately I've been having lots of questioning thoughts about fertility.
I've written before how my struggle with infertility continues even though I now have a baby. In many, many ways things are much easier now. The Lord has already blessed us with our beautiful boy. But Jeff and I both are the second borns in our families, and we both have older brothers who are less than 2 years older than we are. We both grew up one school year behind our brothers, and while being a part of a sibling group so close in age can sometimes lead to bickering, we both love how close we are to them. I used to imagine having a couple of kids who were close in age like that. Now I know, of course, that unless God unexpectedly gives us a child through adoption, Judah will never have that. It grieves me. The grief is not like the grief I felt at not having a baby, but it is still something I feel. I see sweet pictures of toddlers kissing and holding their newborn siblings and want for Judah to have that experience.
I trust God knows what he is doing. There are many things about my life that I might have planned differently (like the whole detour we took through infertility in the first place) but now can see God using for his glory and my good. And as much as I want another baby, I remind myself that even if Judah is the only child we are blessed with, we have been greatly blessed indeed. I know there are many benefits of having a little more time between children. I also grew up with brothers who were 5 and 7 years younger than me. Although they occasionally could be a little loud, they brought more excitement to our family and I also loved being an older sister.
Sometimes, I see my friends who have two or three small children and I wonder if I could manage. I'm fairly certain that trying to take care of a 16 month old Judah and a newborn would be more than I could handle. Even though I think I would have been thrilled to unexpectedly get pregnant while breastfeeding, I am thankful for getting more time with Judah one on one. Days when Judah naps poorly or is extra fussy I often wonder if I even have enough patience for another one. Then I think about our current situation and how hopefully we will be moving soon. Is this even the best time to get pregnant? The idea of trying to move while great with child kind of stresses me out. I suppose most women have similar anxieties when thinking about how to try to time pregnancies and when the best time would be to have another baby.
Being infertile adds a few more stresses to the mix: When should we pursue further treatment with the infertility specialist? Since they never found anything wrong should we keep trying the old-fashioned way? Do I even want to do another IUI? Some days I think maybe I'd rather not - the stress of that month was high. Then when Judah smiles at me or comes over and hugs my legs, I realize that he was worth every minute of it. But should we adopt this time around instead? What is God calling us to?
Some days it feels like my whole life is a big question. And right now I don't feel like I have many answers. While I am not really sure about the future, I need to remind myself that God has me where he wants me right now. I can be certain today where he has called me because that is where I am, even if tomorrow is a big gray fog. And Today, He is calling me to be the best mommy I can be to one sweet, active 16 month old. A good wife to my husband. A good doctor to my patients.
I pray he helps me fulfill those tasks.