I'm actually beginning to wonder if there ever really is something called "life after infertility."
In a women's bible study I was doing recently, I read something that I have especially found to be true in dealing with my infertility. The author talked about how sometimes we have a heart like an onion. (And now I'm imagining Donkey from Shrek asking Shrek how he is like an onion....) Even though there may be healing on the outside, there sometimes can still be hurt underneath. I guess I used to think that once I was pregnant, I would no longer struggle with the same feelings I had while we were still trying to get pregnant. Nope. Then I figured that once the baby was here, I wouldn't get jealous of women who could get pregnant easily. Also not true.
I can't say if this is true for everyone who struggles with infertility. Although things did change once I had Judah and all those feelings of inadequacy and jealously lessened, they didn't go away. They still haven't gone away totally. Maybe they will always be part of me. I pray not, because I realize that they are sinful. As often as they arise, I confess that they mean that I am trying to get my significance from somewhere outside of Christ. That I don't completely trust his goodness. Those wounded outer layers are slowly healing, but the hurt still exists inside. There are parts of me that I still haven't exposed to the healing hands of Christ.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about weaning Judah. He is a year old now, and my big goal when initially starting breastfeeding was that I would nurse him for year. But I don't want to quit. I know I don't have to, but I also would enjoy going away with Jeff for a weekend. I would love not to pump while I am at work. I think part of why I am struggling with it is because I have enjoyed it so much and I am worried that I might not be able to do it again. I guess I used to be hopeful that maybe I would be pregnant by this time and have something to look forward to.
My prayer lately has just been that I would find a new way to relate to my fertility and the monthly cycles that used to weigh and wear on me. I do not want to despair and mourn every month the way I did before Judah. I want to remember that we are not in a rush, that God has good timing, and that I should enjoy this time I have with Jeff and Judah right now. I find God has been faithful to answer this request - I am worrying about it less. Those thoughts are still there, but not nearly so overwhelming as they used to be. The sense of dread I used to experience is gone right now.
I am thankful for the wonderful gift God has given me in Judah - and also the gift he gave me when he made me wait and pray and hope and wait and pray. I do not know what the future holds, but know that God will continue to give good gifts.