One thing that surprised me after having Judah is that I guess I thought I would somehow feel different. I thought maybe in the hospital I'd get some kind of infusion that would make me feel like a mother. Don't get me wrong - I love being a mom. And I have become very familiar with the sleepy daze you stumble around in when you're up every 3 hours feeding this tiny person who can make such. loud. noises and clemaning all his various bodily fluids. But I still feel just like me. I thought I would be different or feel more different. In retrospect, I guess it shouldn't be too surprising. After I got married to Jeff I didn't suddenly feel different. I loved (and still love) being his wife and being married to him. But inside, I was still Aubrey.
Still being me means that I still struggle with the same sins I used to - but in addition to their effect on me, now there is this other little person involved. One thing I've always had a hard time with is comparing myself to others. Which is bad enough. Now, though, I also struggle comparing Judah to other babies. Secretly, it makes me happy if he meets some milestone before other babies I know who are his age. But I cringe and worry if it seems like he's behind those babies in doing something else.
I've realized that my own sins are going to affect this sweet baby who is always looking at me and smiling. I consistently have to remind myself that my worth doesn't come from my being better or thinner or prettier or smarter than others. And I don't want Judah to think that his worth comes from those places either. More than anything, I want him to know that he has significance because of Christ and what Christ has done. Not that I've been complacent in my sin in the past, but now there is this added urgency to ferreting out all those dusty corners of my heart where sin still has a hold because it's not just my life that's affected - his is, too. (I realize that since I live in communities with both other believers and non-believers my sin has always affected other people to some extent, but it just feels different now.)
I know I can never be the perfect mother. I know that the perfect mother doesn't exist. But I'm desperate for Judah to see God's love for him in me and through me.