Baby steps.

I just bought some fabric to use in our baby's room.

It doesn't really sound like that big of a deal. But this is the first purchase I've made for our baby. We're nearly 5 months in, and until tonight I hadn't bought anything specifically for our baby.

I'm not sure if that's what happens when you are pregnant after you miscarry, or when you are pregnant and also a doctor who does OB care, or maybe just pregnant and have an overactive imagination. But I've just been too afraid to buy anything. Even though we've made it this far, I know I'm not guaranteed to bring home a healthy baby, and it's like I don't want to jinx it. I've been afraid that if I get some things and then something happens, then what will I do with it?

It is, of course, a ridiculous way to live. I cannot live in fear. And even though I'm a bit of a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl, I need to prepare and plan. I need to let myself be more excited.

And I need to remind myself that the God I serve is good, and nothing happens to me that doesn't first pass through his hand.

And in case you're curious, here is what I got:


The Balls said…
i LOVE hearing you say "our baby" - so, so, SO excited for you!!! i think pregnancy makes you become a worry wort...maybe it's the hormones? sometimes i would be driving down the road & realize i was crying because i imagined some horrible "what if" situation!! i would then think, what is wrong with me??? and you are so right, we can't live in fear, which is what i do a lot of the time!

those fabrics are SOOOO cute!! what fabric store do you go to?!
Aubrey said…
That is actually a picture from an online store. I found mine on

The line is called Red Letter Day by designer Lizzy House. I think they must not have printed any in a while because all the main online fabric stores didn't have it anymore.
Emilie said…
very cute fabric! And I'm the same way. I worry about all kinds of things that could be wrong. It took me a long time to buy anything for Joseph and I haven't bought anything for this baby yet. It's hard not to live in fear. . . but so important that we pray for trust.
I love, love, love that fabric. It's fresh and feisty and adorable.

I understand the hesitation about buying things for a baby after pregnancy loss. I didn't let myself do it until deep into my post-loss pregnancies. I didn't even want to by maternity clothes. The first time I bought a shirt during my pregnancy with Beatrix, I wanted to throw up, literally, the moment I put it in my Target cart. I was convinced that act of optimism would come back to bite me.

How silly I was, I see now. But it is HARD.
Cute fabric-so are you wanting a delivery surprise on the sex?
CO mom said…
Oh my precious, Aubrey. I looooove the fabric. I still have the colors printed from when you were brave enough to tell us in September.

Can't wait to see you in 15 days!

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