I haven't been writing much of substance lately. Posting recipes is a good way to make me feel like I'm updating the blog without having to really delve into what's going on around here.
It's been a rough few weeks. In between the crazy every fourth night call that was my OB rotation and feeling surrounded by pregnant women, it has been sort of miserable. Thank heavens for an understanding husband who has put up with much more than he should have to, and the start of third year which has brought a lighter call schedule with it.
I was challenged recently by something I listened to over on Mark's blog - part of a sermon by John Piper. The line that really sticks with me is this one:
"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.... in loss." I have heard him say the first part of that statement several times and though to myself, "yeah, yeah, of course I'm satisfied." It's easy to be satisfied when life is great. Those two little words at then end, though, are where the problem comes in. All the frustrations and sadness of this last year has shown me that I am not really satisfied in God. And definitely not in loss. I was even more convicted when he quoted Psalm 73:25: "Whom have I in heaven besides you? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides you..."
I wish I could say that this was true for me. But lately, I have desired things - good things, things that God tells us are blessings, much more than him. I have idolized having a child, as if that will save me, or make my life perfect, or even fix this sadness I've had inside me. But I should have remembered the next verse in Psalm 73, verse 26: "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
I do want a child. But I think these days I need to do more praying that I don't want one more than I want the one who can form them in their inmost being.