This whole infertility thing sometimes (ok, more than sometimes) makes me a little crazy.
Since the miscarriage 6 weeks ago, I find myself often thinking about what exactly we did that month, trying to replicate exactly the circumstances that led to the pregnancy. I catch myself thinking that if 2 months ago I wore a purple shirt and coughed three times on the fifth day of my cycle while facing southeast, then that's what I need to do again this month. I have this compulsion to do everything exactly the same way, as if it is those circumstances that somehow led to getting pregnant.
Which is really just crazy. I don't believe in luck. Or talismans. Or coincidences. I believe in a loving God who directs all things for my good. It wasn't some strange conglomeration of my actions that allowed me to get pregnant. It was the powerful hand of God.
It also wasn't something I did that caused the miscarriage. It wasn't me forgetting to take my vitamin that day, or the run I went on, or even that I used to take birth control pills.
It was the same God who loves me and has everything in his sovereign control. As sad as that month was, and even with the sorrow I continue to feel, I can rest in knowing that nothing is outside his control. He doesn't let anything happen to me that doesn't first pass through his hand.
There is something very freeing in the knowledge that I can rest in his guidance. I do not have to try to manufacture conditions, throwing salt over my shoulder with my fingers crossed in order to get pregnant. Even though my heart struggles to remember this daily, my head knows that it is all is his good timing. I may not understand until I see the other side why it is that that we have struggled for so long to get pregnant. Or why when we were finally able to, we lost our child two days later. But I believe that when the Bible tells me that everything works together for the good of those who love him, it really means everything.