Just over 4 weeks ago we were officially diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. Initially, I had hoped for a rapid resolution and wanted nothing more than to put this all behind me. I am continually learning, though, that what I think I want or need and God's best plan for me do not always correspond to one another. I apparently am still in need of more patience.
Here we are, a month later, and I would still "fail" (pass?) a pregnancy test. Sigh. Things continue to move in the right direction and my hormone levels are still falling, but I was really hoping that this would be the last time I had to get my blood drawn. I had another check up with my doctor, and learned that the average time to dissolve these things is actually 35 days. And there have been reports of persistent hormone levels for 105 (!!) days. I am really hoping not to set any records, but have just decided that it will take as long as it takes and that is fine. I continue to be thankful that we avoided all the complications related to ectopics and that I continue to be pain-free.
I have pondered the last few weeks what I think God has been trying to tell me in this trial. What does this mean? Maybe God is saying we shouldn't have more children. Maybe he's saying we shouldn't pursue continued attempts to have children. Maybe he's saying that we should. What should we do next? When should we do it?
It's sort of exhausting, this attempt at reading the tea leaves of my life's experiences. But Jeff was so quick to remind me that God has spoken to us already - he first of all sent his Son, The Word, and then he gave us the Bible. We don't have to wait for some divine ESP to know his will. I guess I struggle because when it seems like we are going through a tough time, I automatically want to assume that I need to change course. But Jeff reminded me that we cannot look at trials that way. We cannot think that just because there is sadness or tragedy or frustration that we are doing something wrong or making a wrong choice. Even though Paul was shipwrecked, arrested, beaten, and imprisoned, he didn't change course. Personally, I think if my boat shipwrecked on the way somewhere, I would definitely take that as a sign that I should pick another destination.
But I believe that we are headed somewhere - and that somewhere is where God wants us to go. So we wait. And continue to learn that the God we serve is one who makes the broken whole, the crooked straight, and the ugly beautiful.