Here.

I wish I could say that this week has been a breeze and that I am doing great with everything that has happened. I wish I could say that my attitude has been good and that I can already clearly see God's purpose in it all.

But that would be a lie. The truth is that I feel like I've been thrown for a loop. I feel like I have days where I can trust God's goodness, followed by other days where all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and be sad. In my head I know that this is part of God's perfect plan, but my heart is still sad for this baby I will not get to meet in August.

As I was up in the middle of the night last night, rocking a screaming toddler (still not sure what that was about), I did give his sweet head an extra sniff and thank the Lord for the gift he gave us in Judah. He may have been even more of a miracle that I realized.

I never used to understand why a woman would have an invasive medical procedure like a D & C after having a miscarriage since most of the time your body will naturally take care of it. But almost two weeks into undergoing medical treatment for this ectopic, I can understand why you'd want to. It's hard to move on and put this all behind me when I still have several more weeks of waiting ahead of me. I know taking the medicine was the right decision, but I am so ready for this to be over. In spite of all the God has tried to teach me about patience, I still am not good at waiting....

So please keep praying. I think reflecting on this latest disappointment has made me struggle even more with some of the other disappointments we've been through lately. I find myself angry and upset, yet again, that Jeff was turned down for licensure. I am questioning all over why it has taken Jeff so long to find a job. And I don't want to do that.

But I am ready to finally hear some good news.....

Comments

Stacey said…
I am so sorry to hear of your recent loss. Very glad that you are okay after going through an ectopic pregnancy, and praying that you'll continue to heal both physically and emotionally. Praying that you will feel the Lord's presence now more than ever.
6:52 PM
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