Obviously there have mostly just been photo posts on here lately. The reasons for this are numerous - mostly that being a mom of two doesn't leave much time for the longer, deeper posts I used to enjoy. There are also some developments going on around here that aren't quite ready for publication on the ole' blog that are taking up a good bit of time.
Lately, though, as I look at Judah I have just been feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelming blessed to have been given such a great gift, and completely overwhelmed at the thought of raising him. I think it started as I could finally see more and more of his own unique personality. For the longest time he just seemed more like a baby, but now he is such a little person. He makes jokes, laughs at jokes, expresses his very definite opinions, tries to do things on his own, asks for help, asks questions, talks about what he sees, and asks more questions. Then he asks questions again. (I'd say we play twenty questions in the car, but it's more like 200 questions.) I think it has finally hit me that I'm responsible for helping shape this little person. For teaching him about Jesus. For trying to discipline him in a way that helps him learn what he needs to. For loving him. And sometimes I am overcome with an overwhelming sense of fear that I'm not up to the task.
The funny thing is, of course, that I'm really not up to the task. And it's a good realization. As a high-achieving student who went on to medical school, there has been very little in my life that I haven't been able to accomplish. God gave me a great family and the ability to do well. Which personally meant that for much of my life I was a good girl who didn't feel my need for Jesus. I knew that I was a sinner and understood, in my head, that I needed a savior, but I never had an overwhelming feeling of an intense need and a recognition that I really can't do it on my own. But looking at my funny, adorable, energetic son I feel acutely my need for help in this journey.
I have never been that good of a prayer, but I find now that I have children I pray more and realize that I cannot save my children. I cannot be a good mom apart from the God who gives me more grace and patience than I deserve.